November 15, 2010

Hello and Welcome!

Hello, and welcome to my new blog!  I'm not new to blogging, this is, rather, a relocation and fresh start.  You see, I learned a hard lesson recently on my old blog.....that nothing and I mean, NOTHING, is truly private on the internet.

Let me start at the beginning.  I have always journaled.  From the tender age of seven when I was given my first little blue diary with the tiny, tiny lock and key to keep my secret thoughts safe, I've been hooked.  The written word has always had a powerful hold over me.  I love to read and I could not go without reading any more than I could go without breathing.  I also write.  Because I have to.  Writing is a compulsion.  If I try to skip it I get antsy and frustrated.  As an only child, often living in isolated areas, I didn't have the luxury of having ready confidants so I learned right away the advantages of keeping journals.

There are things in all our lives that we just can't keep bottled up inside, things that have to get out one way or another.  My parents were emotionally closed and valued good behavior and manners above all else when presenting a public face.  There were never, ever any messy emotional scenes in our house and we certainly didn't air our dirty laundry for the world to see.  It was a world of "children should be seen and not heard" and "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."   That may have worked for my parents, but I can only keep things bottled up so long and then one day......BAM! they are going to explode. 

So, what I learned is that journals, for me, are a safety valve.  They are a place where I can vent frustrations and anger and hurt and work through my thoughts without ever saying hurtful words out loud to anyone.  Words spoken aloud are very hard to take back and words spoken in anger, pain or frustration are usually poison.  In a journal I can vent all those feelings, work through them, and then let go and move on......without ever having to hurt anyone else.

Blogs have added a new dimension to journaling.  Human interaction.  By journaling in the form of a blog there is access to instant feedback from others, which I have found to be very helpful in some situations.  Readers who don't know me or the ones I am venting about and are removed from the situation most often have a clearer view of things.  Sometimes they validate my feelings.  Sometimes they tell me I am out of line.  Usually, they offer advice on how they would handle it.  Sometimes the advice is bad.  Sometimes.....it's brilliant.  Always, though, it makes me take a step back to reconsider.  In my book, that's a good thing.

In the past, I never hid my identity on my blogs (yes, plural....I've been at this since 2001!).  I was just blogging about family life, work, my spiritual growth, etc.  That changed with my last blog, which I started after an absence from blogging and in response to some heavy-duty pain in my life.  I had to keep a positive face on at home as much as was possible to try to help my daughter through a very difficult time in her life.  The blog was my place to rant and cry and pray.  It became a darker place than I normally like even though I tried to use humor to soften it, but then, it was a dark, dark time in my family.  I examined a lot of family relationships and vented my frustrations and pain.  So, this was not a blog I wanted my family to see, but I didn't want to close it off from everyone else because  I really needed the feedback at the time.  I chose to not use real names and to never invite or tell anyone who knew us personally.

Somehow, my son found my blog a few weeks ago and took MAJOR offense and then (though he didn't actually name me) publicly ripped-me-a-new-one so to speak in his Facebook status.  OUCH.  I apologized that he was hurt and he has since conceded that he "may have overreacted" but things are not the same.  The things that he said cut deep and I'm sure some of the things he read rocked his world.  Though the fault was not all mine.....my son had to have been intentionally digging to find my blog (and that is an invasion of privacy)......I've been left reeling and it's caused me to question everything I think, know and feel.

I've been examining myself under a microscope and let me tell you, looking that closely shows up all your flaws.  The number one thing I've come to admit is that I have become a very negative person.  Focusing on all that pain.....well, it sucked me in.  Is there depression involved?  There has probably been some at times.  My own, maybe, and I've definitely had to live with it in others, which is a sucking black hole of its own.  So, my goal has become to be a beacon of positivity and encouragement.  I've rekindled my relationship with God and that should reflect in my life.

You're welcome to come along for the ride and see where this journey takes me.  I promise it won't always be this serious.  We'll have some fun, too, but it will be honest and it will be real.  And I hope you will call me on it and keep me on track if you see me straying from the goal.

12 comments:

Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

I am so sorry for the stuff that has gone on. That is so rough what your son did. Sometimes it is so hard to get over hurtful things said.
I would love to follow you on your journey.

ineverhavetheanswer said...

Welcome back to the Blogging World Stacy!

I complete understand what you are saying in your opening entry here.

Right now I still blog under a pseudo name/pen name. This isn't my first blog - I have been blogging since 2003 or so and this is the first time I have ever used a fake name. And when I started I wasn't using a fake name.

I can not wait to go on this journey with you!

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e) said...

Welcome back!

Stacy Lynn said...

Rochelle, thanks for the encouragement and I'm glad you're along.

Ineverhavetheanswer, my last blog was the first time I ever did use a fake name. Fat lot of good it did me. If someone wants to find you and knows a bit about computer stuff....they will. So, just going to put it out there now and come what may.

Ellen, thank you! I've missed everybody more than you would believe. (Oh dear, instead of the cat lady I've become the crazy lady whose friends live in her computer. LOL)

Stacy Lynn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wendy said...

Blogger Stacy Lynn said...

Stacy, I can't believe from the time I've known you (which feels like centuries some way ;) You have grown not only spiritually but so eloquently as well. What you've written all of us can identify with. Reading this first post shows how courageous and wonderfully vulnerable are too. I feel so blessed to have met you and have become good friends. Actually, I feel closer to you than some of my own friends in the "real world." Congratulations, Stacy on your new blog and your first fantastic post!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

For this very reason, I attempted to keep my identity private on my blog BUT I discovered that it wasn't completely possible and before long, the blog wasn't as private as I wanted. I don't mix my facebook with my blog at all. The people that I have on facebook are either family, friends or old classmates. There are just some that I would much rather not read my private thoughts.

I'm glad that you've chosen to continue to blog. You're right...everyone needs a place of their own to vent, to create and to express their thoughts.

Stacy Lynn said...

Wendy, thank you for the encouragement. I feel blessed to count you as a friend, too. :) Thank you again for all the work on my blog. It's beautiful!

ChocolateCoveredDaydreams, my old blog (I'm Ace if you remember it) wasn't connected to Facebook and I'm not connecting this one, either. Like you, there are too many people I don't think need to know my deepest thoughts.

Coffeypot said...

Thanks, Stacy, for letting me know your new location. Although I don't comment much, I read you every day that you publish.

IMHO, the son needs to realize there is some truth to what he read and should, instead of being mad at you, take a closer look at his own life - and the POS he is married to.

Stacy Lynn said...

Coffeypot, thanks for coming by. It's always good to get your take on things. You may be a crusty old salt, but I love you for it. ;)

clew said...

Sister from another mister, I'm sorry for the upheaval you've been going through and I'm sorry I haven't been around much to help you through it. I am glad you're continuing to blog though - I love your words and love you :)

Stacy Lynn said...

Awww, Clewy....pass me a kleenex. *sniff* I love you, too.

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