January 02, 2011
Change
I promised resolutions would be coming, but after a lot of thought I had a list that was too long to publish. Everything on my list had one thing in common, though.....they were all about change.
2010 was a difficult year for me....lots of emotional turbulence. Some of it due to the not-yet-here-but-fast-approaching dragon of menopause and the hormonal roller coaster ride that comes with it. Some of it due to a middle-age crisis....the nest is soon to be empty and I've been a mom for the last 24 years, all of my adult life, so now what? Most of it, however, came from family relationships.
God's been working (hard) on me the last couple of weeks and I've learned a couple of things. First, while my children have been busy letting me know what a horrible person I am, there really isn't anything I can do about it. That is their perception (and it's skewed because that's not the reaction I get from the rest of the world). However, I have been taking their words to heart and letting it eat at me. Their image of me has drastically shaped my image of myself this past year and the result is that no one has been happy. I have felt so beaten down that there have been days I wanted nothing more than to wake up and find I'd become the face on the milk carton. Second, while I'm a Christian, I've been trying to deal with my hurt myself and that doesn't work.
God has been pounding me about prayer. I've always prayed, but truthfully? Never about all things as we're supposed to. This past week I've been trying to get into the habit of praying, even if it's only a sentence or two, before saying or doing anything. I prayed constantly over my relationship with my daughter and.......it took a turn for the worse. She was sleeping late, leaving as soon as she got up, and not coming home till midnight or later. The few times our paths crossed were not pleasant. It was so hard to take, but I know that the enemy responds to any strengthening of our faith by trying to undermine it. I kept praying and last night, finally, she sat with me and we talked. Not of anything important, but it was light and pleasant and I hugged her goodnight. It's a start.
There are lots of things I want to accomplish in 2011.....better relationships, weight loss, healthier lifestyle, plant a garden, save more money.....the list goes on and on, but I'm not going to set any specific resolutions. I'm just going to plan on changing. I can't change what anyone else thinks or feels or does. The only person I have control over is myself. What I can control is my reaction to others and that will eventually change how they react to me. So, God's given me a refresher course on prayer and I'm taking it to heart. I can handle anything 2011 throws at me with God and prayer.
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7 comments:
Change does begin with us.
There's a great book on prayer, speaking of changing, it really did change my life. It's by Bill Hybels, Too Busy Not to Pray.
Brad's kids see me differently than everyone else in my life does too. They aren't my kids, I know that's harder, but I don't get why they have such a skewed idea of who I really am.
Mac leaves tomorrow--back to grad school, and last night he said he might not be home for a year (and I can't afford to go see him), so I've been crying off and on for about 12 hours now. Time to pray...
Hugs.
Change is a good thing. Change comes from the inside out. The changes in us will eventually change how others react to us; either good or bad.
I understand the whole children seeing us differently. Each one of my children is different in the way they view me. My oldest hates me and thinks I am the worst person in the world. I can't change his view of me because the truth of the matter is he is the only one who see me this way. I can just pray that I start to react differently to him with God's help.
Big hugs and I can't wait to see what changes you have for us this year!
Stumbled upon your blog just through surfing the internet - thought that I could connect with a lot of what you were going through as well as the idea of just grasping onto a theme that God whisper's to us and work towards that end. God bless.
All change must begin within ourselves. Change how you see you, and you will change how others see you. Prayer is the best place to begin.
When a criticism is thrown at me, after I take the time to be hurt and angry (inevitable), I look at the criticism. Is it true? Was it fair? Or was it said as a means of manipulating me? Believe it or not, with God's help you can rationally analyze the things your children say. Doing so just might help you know yourself and them better.
Ellen....First off, ((((HUGS))))! A whole year? What is Mac doing that he won't be home for that long? Even as much as we have been at odds this year I can't imagine a year without my kids. By the way, it's been a long time, but I think I read that book by Hybels.
Ineverhavetheanswer....our offspring have indeed been giving us a run for our money this past year and quite the coincidence, don't you think, that God is working on us both about the same thing at the same time. We will survive and come out stronger and I pray our kids come out the other side, too.
Myyearof....Welcome! Thank you for visiting and for the kind words. I love the way you put it, about God whispering in our ear. I hope you'll visit again.
Quilly....self-examination is definitely a part of the program. I always ask God to show me if any of their words are true and if they are I work to correct. Thank you, as always, for the good advice and understanding. :)
Stacy, realizing that you have done the absolute best that you can as a mother and a person who feels just as hurt and struggles with self-esteem issues and then knowing that it's others who have the problem is a huge step! Have you ever read the book "The Four Agreements"? It's not a "Christian" book, but I think you'd find it really helpful and invaluable to continue and realize that you have so much to offer and put up a barrier from people like your daughter and others who refuse to acknowledge you for all the love and care you continually give. Instead of a resolution, keep focusing on a word, like boundaries or something similar and see how that would help you in 2011. I believe in you and know that you've taken a huge step to not own any of the b.s thrown at your way. Hugs to you my friend.
I've never heard of that book, Wendy. I'll put it on my list of ones to look up. Not everything has to be officially "Christian" to be helpful. I've actually said something similar to what you said above to both my kids...that I had done the best job I knew how to as a mother and I was sorry (but tough noogies) if I didn't live up to what they expect a mother to be. Nobody gets a perfect mother.
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