March 22, 2011

Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?

So, I was in this funk yesterday.  I don't remember waking up feeling blue, but at some point during the day a cloud settled over me, weighing me down and turning my thoughts ugly.  I say ugly because in that state I tend to be cranky with others, downright self-abusive toward myself, and just miserable in general.  I'm starting to learn to turn to God, to give it all to Him and let go in order to pull myself out of the pit, but sometimes I still slide pretty far down in the hole.

That's where I was yesterday evening.  In the hole.  I was already feeling blue and then I had to spend most of the evening alone.  Megan worked the evening shift and Tim just worked late.  It was just me and the dogs and they tend to let me wallow if I want to.  I was just not happy with anyone or anything and sitting here alone was not helping.  My thoughts turned to the fact that Megan still wants to move to Alabama (she hopes before the year is out) and that when she leaves the house is going to be really empty an awful lot of the time.  It will just be me and the dogs because Tim will never ease up on work.  Yep, I was indulging in a rousing round of self-pity.  Still, I ate my lonely dinner of leftovers and got ready to start my Bible study lesson....because the group meets tonight and it needed done, NOT because I felt like spending time with God.

Megan called about then and asked me to bring her something for dinner.  Grrrr!  Why the heck hadn't she packed a dinner before she left?  I didn't want to drive down to the daycare.  I was already in my flannel pajama pants....the purple plaid looking mighty spiffy with the brown striped t-shirt I was still wearing and my fuzzy pink striped slippers.  I was getting ready to do my lesson and it was going to take me a good while because I hadn't even looked at it yet.  How irresponsible could she be?  Did she think I exist only to wait on her?  I should just let her wait until she gets home.  That would teach her and it wasn't like she'd starve to death in a couple of hours!

Ultimately, I didn't make Megan wait.  Well, not very long.  I packed her a meal and drove it down to the daycare.  I did, however, refuse to get out of the car in my exquisite ensemble.  Driving home my thoughts had time to return to their funky wretchedness and that is exactly what they did.  I found myself thinking about my life and what I had or rather hadn't done with it.  I thought about all the big dreams I had when I was young and how my family and teachers had all expected great and amazing things from me.  How on Earth had I gone from having the world and all its possibilities before me to delivering leftover meatloaf while dressed like a bag lady?

The answer, unpleasant as it was, jumped right up and smacked me in the forehead.  It was my fault.  There was no one to blame but myself and my lack of discipline.  I'm the one who chose to embrace the party lifestyle at college and skip classes and skimp on work.  I'm the one who agreed to marriage and parenthood before I was mature enough to be prepared in any practical way.  I am the one who has never followed through to completion any of my big ideas.  I'm the one who let myself gain all this weight.  I'm the one who loses herself in a book or on the computer for hours.  I am the one who gives up.  It's me.  It's all me and my lack of discipline or self-control.  Ouch!

Back at home I sat down at the island in the kitchen and pulled out the book we're reading in Bible study and opened it to the chapter for this week......Really?  Are you serious?  The title of the chapter was A Woman's Calling to Personal Discipline.  I kid you not.  Well, that just broke me down and humbled me so much.  God knew I needed this lesson right now! and He started working on me even before I cracked the book open.  I thanked Him and dove in, learning so much.

Every area of my life is in need of discipline and control, but rather than fighting it and cursing it and seeing it as giving up freedoms, I am able to see that I gain so much more than it costs me.  I get to be more like Jesus, enjoy life without excesses (and that would include food), have more peace, impact others, be an example to my daughter, and be a role model for other Christian women.

I don't know about you, but I love it when God hits me up from multiple sides rapid-fire like He did last night.  I can be kind of dense to His leading so I appreciate that He cares enough to try to get through to me over and over until I listen.  Plus, seeing Him come at me again and again lets me know that something is important, something I need to sit up and pay attention to RIGHT NOW!

Thank You, God, for Your faithfulness when I am anything but.


Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

Thank you for your post Stacy Lynn. It is so humbling when God shows you something before you are even looking for it. It is also humbling how much God loves us.

Wendy said...

Ouch, you're awfully hard on yourself, Stacy! I don't think that God would want you to beat yourself up so much for the path you did or didn't take. Instead, it's o.k. to be sad and mourn the losses that we all have about where we wanted to go at one point. If we keep "should have" and "could having" ourselves, we cant' move on. You're not wallowing at all and life experiences like you're facing with the empty house is perfectly normal to feel. Try and have more compassion and love for yourself and then see what happens...Sending you hugs.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e) said...

My friend calls those moments flashing billboards. I call them God shaking me by the shoulder. What a blessing that you recognized the kick in the pants, and you pulled yourself out of your pity party.

But, don't be too hard on yourself. (BTW, I'm so mean, I probably wouldn't have brought dinner!)

Stacy Lynn said...

Rochelle...You're welcome. It happens time and time again but for some reason I'm always surprised and amazed when God knows what I need before I do.

Wendy...I know God doesn't want me beating myself up over the past. He is all about forgiveness...including us forgiving ourselves. I'm studying self-discipline and self-control right now and I do think God wants me to realize that it was my lack of both that led me down the path I am on so that I can learn to be disciplined in the future and make wiser choices. As for the wallowing, I don't usually, but yesterday I crossed the line to full blown wallowing. I knew it was ridiculous and that I could shake it off, but I chose not to.

Ellen...Whatever you call them they tend to be the way I listen and get the point best. :/ I caved and took the dinner last night because I didn't take it the time before.

clew said...

Amen to that. I know I need not say more to you. xo

Debbie said...

So many times, God has to smack me upside the head before I see what's in front of me! I appreciate it:)

Stacy Lynn said...

Clew...thank you for not adding. You're one of the most disciplined people I can think of. You set a goal and man, you are on it like white on rice!

Debbie...that's me. Too dense/busy/distracted to see it without a smack.


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