July 31, 2011

Throwing Myself a Pity Party

Something my son said over the weekend has stuck in my mind.  And my craw.  It's made me mad (because it's not the first time he's said something unthinking that has really hurt).  It's made me sad (because there's a lot more truth to it than I want to think about).

The whole family went out to our favorite pizza place for lunch on Saturday.  My husband has a bit of trouble hearing conversation in crowd situations and rather than try, he tends to zone out and people watch or if there is a television he will watch it whether he can hear it or not.  It's frustrating any time, more than a little annoying, and a lot lonely if you're out alone with him.  It's hard not to take it personally that he'd rather watch what's going on at the next table than try to talk with you.

Anyway, the hubs and I ended up in a typical conversation for that setting.  Me trying to get through to him, him not hearing and getting it all confused, me getting a little irritated.....and suddenly I realized my son was laughing.  Not with us, but at us.  He looked across at his wife and said, "Mom and Pops are getting old.  It's like listening to your grandparents."  Her grandparents are in their 70's.  I'm not even 47 yet (I have two weeks yet!).  When he caught on that I was just a tad miffed, sonny boy tried to cover by saying he said we were like watching an old comedy show.  He said no such thing!  And like that would make it any better??

I moved on from it.  I did.  But today has it all coming back to haunt me.  It's a beautiful, gorgeous, summer day out there and I've been stuck just puttering around doing things myself, because.....the hubs?  He went outside for maybe 45 minutes before lunch.  Came in and grabbed something and ate in front of the television.  Never asked or gave me a chance to make lunch for the two of us.  Once he finished eating he said he was stretching out across the bed for half an hour.  Two and a half hours later he got up, ate something else, looked out the window and said he'd go out at 5:00 when it might be cooler.  He went back in the bedroom.  I suggested he watch television in the livingroom with me.  He said the fan was blowing in there (there's a fan out here, too) and that's the last I've seen of him.  He's asleep again. 

I don't know if he is playing with depression again or it's something physically wrong.  What I know is it's getting old.  I try to do everything I'm supposed to do to be a good Christian wife, but our relationship hasn't been a priority for him in years.  Time for me is always second on his list of things to do and I'm struggling here.  We have very few friends and do little with them or with our families, because I can't make plans due to the amount of time he spends at work (and we won't talk about the times I do make plans...with his okay...only to have him say at the last minute that he can't make it or doesn't want to). 

I got married right after I turned 20.....way too young in hindsight.  I had no clue.  He didn't either.  I've spent my whole adult life being someone's wife and mother and doing everything everyone else wanted or expected me to do.  I lost me and now that the nest is nearly empty and there is time for doing things....there's no one to do it with.  And I know what you're going to say....go do things on my own.  I do some things, but I have to watch.  The hubs may not want to do much, but he doesn't like it when I have too much fun without him, either.  Our marriage nearly ended over my youth ministry work.  I loved it and tried everything I could to involve and include him.  He balked and resented every minute of it.  I'm afraid to really love doing anything again unless he'll do it right along with me.

I have been praying for years and I know I'm supposed to trust God, but if my dear husband isn't willing or wanting to change....  I'm only in my 40s.  I don't want to be considered old and boring.  I want to live!  I want to have adventures!

**UPDATE**  When Tim got up, finally, he got the message in no uncertain terms that I am not a happy camper.  Something I said must have made a dent or maybe even he realizes that a 6-hour "nap" is not normal.  Whatever, he pretty much begged me to go have dinner with him and then we took a little bit of a drive....and when we got home he got in the pool with me (he hates swimming) and then sat out on the swing for a while.  We talked.  I told him it was all a START, but things are going to have to change on a permanent basis.  He promised to call the doctor tomorrow for an appointment.  Like I said, it's a start.  If he wants to convince me he's serious he's going to have to actually follow through on what the doctor tells him.  He's notoriously bad about that.


Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

Wouldn't it be great if I had some sage words of advice here? I've got nothing.

Our marriage is only four years old, but B tells me he divorced his first wife (to whom he was married 30+ years having married at 20), because he felt alone in the marriage for a very long time.

The thought of a marriage, any marriage but especially a long one, ending is heartbreaking.

Talk to him--but not when you're out!

Stacy Lynn said...

I totally understand what Brad is talking about. I've been telling Tim for a long time that being lonely in our marriage is the WORST kind of lonely. I'm not ready to give up, but I am getting a LOT more vocal about it.

We did talk...I won't explain it all here in comments. I posted an update, check that out.


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