February 03, 2013

Singing the Blues

Calling a mental health day today.  I've been in a bit of a funk this week (even with those massive doses of Vitamin D in my system) and it all came to a head on Friday and Saturday.  Among the many things messing with my groove:

  • Yet another 2-hour delay, bitter temperatures, and bad roads.
  • Going out to start the car and discovering that someone had been in it and gone through everything.  They didn't take anything but my good driving gloves.  I guess their sticky little fingers were cold.  Still, the idea of someone being in my vehicle...right outside our bedroom window...and we never heard a thing...nor did the dogs.
  • Seeing one of Megan's Facebook statuses that said she still wants to leave Pennsylvania for the deep South or maybe out West.  She wants to be anywhere but here.
  • Financial woes....found out our tax situation is not good and we're probably going to be making payments for a while.
  • Finding out Tim hates has a huge problem with my friend, Bible teacher, and mentor at church.  A big enough problem to make him rant, rave, swear a blue streak, and say when he's done remodeling the church he's done with the church.  Or any church.  Period.
  • And my own insecurities are in play right now...trying to convince me I don't fit in with the women at church, that no one really cares if I'm there, that I don't have a place, etc.
I went to the ladies' Bible study yesterday.  It didn't really help.  I know it was probably just my own perception, knowing how Tim is feeling about my friend, being at her house after he'd been kind of rude with her, but I felt on the edge of things and just didn't connect with the lesson.  

The pastor and my teacher were asking me a lot of questions about the church remodel.  I told them they needed to talk to Tim about it not me.  Apparently I gave the impression there was an issue because the pastor called him to ask if he was angry with her.  He isn't and told her so, but he didn't tell her what the problem is....and my teacher seems to be clueless.  

I wish I could go to her, but it's Tim's issue and he is the one that needs to deal with it one way or another.  He did back down and say he probably won't end up quitting the church, but he hasn't backed down on his anger.  I'm heartbroken and disappointed.  I love these people and desire a close relationship with them, but Tim's attitude and anger prevents it because we are excluded from pretty much everything that is couples oriented and I don't do some things because even though Tim says go, I am pretty sure it will become another wedge in our relationship.  

source

I really don't know what to do, so for now I continue to pray and attend the basics....Saturday service, Tuesday Bible study, and the ladies' Bible study....all while never seeming to deepen the personal relationships I desire and need so much.

Last night's service helped some.  There is always wonderful worship and that lifted me some and the sermon was about sacrificial living and gave me a lot to think about.  I don't know what the answer is.  I'm just going to have to trust that God will work it out.

2 comments:

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS))

Dawn Paoletta said...

Stacy, I so relate with your heart!
Facebook statuses can be so hurtful...especially from friends and family who are not considering the weight of their words on those they love.
The fitting in thing- I always struggle with that. Praying for you and knowing we are sisters and not alone in all of it. ;)

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